Well yeah, here I am again.. 

Today pretty much sucked hard. I sat around all day, driving myself crazy again. I can't take this, I don't think anyone can understand the feeling i have inside me right now, and I want this to be gone. Carly, once again read a message I sent to her and didn't reply, that just makes me feel like shit, makes me feel completely worthless basically haha. These times, sitting here , alone all day, with nothing to do, makes me think so much, it makes me tear up alot when I think about things, and they make my entire body feel sick, and I can't stop thinking about what I've done. It'd be so much easier if I had Carly to talk to all day, unfortunitaly she has a life haha. I talked to her friends today, and they said that she got wireless, but she's working till midnight, her time, which is like 2 am here. So I'm going to keep myself up till then and see if she comes on, I asked them to tell her I'd wait for her, so hopefully she will, She'll probably end up going out and doing something or something, since she has friends haha.  So I have to find something to do to entertain myself, usually I end up cuddling with a pillow and watching a movie or something I'll probably end up doing that again, but that kills me even more because I can't help but just think it could be her you know. Ugh I've had so many feelings lately, so much regret, its killing me, and I know this will never go away, I want to be past this so bad. I made a goodbye for her today, I think it might be best if we both just go our seperate ways, so she can love again and be happy, thats all i want more than anything in this entire world. And saying those words right there makes me cry, literally right now. I want her to be over me, and be happy. I made a goodbye today, and posted it in a bullitan today, i recorded a goodbye, because just me saying goodbye on myspace is not something I am about to leave her with.  I recorded it , pretty much balling the entire time. Then I talked to her friend Dez, who kinda talked me out of giving it to her, and I think she's right, it's stupid to do it like that, I think me and her should talk first, I don't even know if that's what she wants so it probably is best that I don't just leave her like that, I know I would die if she left me like that, without a chance to talk to her first, and say goodbye at least. I'm literally praying she'll come on tonight. It wouldn't be for another 2 hours and I'm dieing, I NEED to talk to her, I'm going to work up such an anticipation as I do every time, and she's not even going to come on, and I'm pretty much going to die. 

I can't talk about this anymore. Theres alot more I'd like to say. and explain things more, because they are all just such a jumble right now, even to me. I want to be so far away from this right now.

I'm going to go.

Have a goodnight, maybe I'll post after I talk to Carly if she comes on tonight.


I feel like a retard because I know I'm writing this to no one.

I'm going to go cuddle with a pillow, and let some more tears out i suppose!


Ah, I'm such a fag.
Whatever, I love her, and I guess this is how love feels when you break that girls heart.


-Evan.

 I'm really starting to be addicted to this place, haha, It's like a best friend i never had! haha great, now I sound gay. I just like it cause I can say whatever I want and no one is ever going to read it, but it feels good to talk about shit. haha. 

Now, that I'm done being gay...

Well so yeah, nothing has changed from last night, I get so depressed and mad when Carly leaves like that. Still my fault, and I'm not mad at her, it just bothers me so so so so much. She's too damn good at making me feel like shit ugh!  It's just like, I sned her lots of messages, like looong messages, because I love her, and I hate not being able to talk to her. So I always write a bunch, and she replys with like one word sentances ya know. haha. And like today, I messaged her twice since last night, I know that she read the messages because myspace, is creeper times 10 and tells you that. But so I know she read them, and didnt say anything back, maybe she was just too busy, in too big of a hurry? She could have just like said something you know? I don't think she realizes how even the smallest thing from here can make me the happiest in the world. She loves me, and I know that. And I don't know where our relationship is going to go at all, and I know I hurt her sooo bad. But, I feel like she doesn't care. Like every once and while when we talk, she'll be really cute, and cuddly and stuff, and then she'll just be like fine.  I just feel like she doesnt care, and I mean I guess I understand. I dont know. I'm just confused. I just wish she showed that she loves me more?. I don't know. I love her to death, and I wish I knew what was going to happen. I have this very good feeling, things aren't going to work out, and we are both going to be left hurting, again. I am thinking about asking her if she thinks we should just both say goodbye and go on, before we keep doing this and then one of us moves on and the other isn't ready. I don't want to move on, I don't even like want any one else, she is to perfect for me. But with everything I've done, I don't see how we could ever work out. And me and her both know that. It's just the problem of coming to a realization of it, or actually making a change. 


Ah, I just hope I can talk to her tonight, I hope she will come online so we can talk like last night, but I'm not going to be an idiot this time.
I want her, and I need her, and I love her so much. 



Onto other things before I make myself really sad again. I'm on my balcony again, FAV place in the entire world now. Well up here anyways. It's like my own little world cause no one ever knows I'm here, and its quiet, and very beautiful here. I don't want winter to come around because then it's not going to be nice to sit out here :( . It's so pretty right now, because the leaves change here so early in fall. 

Anyways, I slept in until like 2:30 today haha. I hate it when I do that. Haven't left my place all day either, don't really plan on it.

This post, and sittin gout here alone, thinking, with the wind and the tree's and stuff, is soo damn depressing right now. 

Bye Journal.

-Evan

 So I'm sitting here with my best friend Carly. Well, no not actually just a nice pillow I like to think is Carly, it helps me miss her a little less :)


Hmm, today was an okay day I suppose! Today is like a Friday for me, because I don't have class the rest of the week, till Monday again so its nice. I had both classes today though, neither were that bad, I'm finally understanding A&P cause we are actually talking about stuff I can understand not gay chemistry haha. After classes, I treated myself to some dairy queen, tried a oreo earthquake sundae, it was delish, haha. Then I came home, I got to talk to Carly today! Yayyy! Unfortunately, she left her phone at home when she flew back, but we couldn't text anyways, cause it cost aloooooot. But so I talked to some of her friends today. Then one of them pissed me off and I was very angry, until, luckily, Carly came on and made me happy :) But then I ended up making her mad, because I was being an asshole about something, and she left me without a real goodbye. That makes my heart kinda just fall outta my chest when she does that, god she's good at getting me back, I don't know how she does it, but I gotta start remembering that because she can just KILL me so good, but I'm pretty sure I can never make her feel this way cause she's too smart.


Anyways, thats about all that's happened today, I'm hoping Car will be able to talk tomorrow again, I miss her already! Yep, well not a lot for this post today, no classes tomorrow so I'm sure I'll be seeing you..

I'm going to watch The Notebook online, and cuddle with my Carly Pillow :)



Ugh something's irritating me tonight though :(.

Night guys,
-Evan.

 Ahh, second post of the day of course! .. not a whole lot of anything is new since that last post, I'm still sick as heck, and I keep sneezing, and oh its just horrible haha. 

Carly flys back home tonight at 3am, so I'm staying up texting her till she has to leave me, because once she gets back there, It's back to an email like every few days, and I can't even tell you how horrible that is. Especially because she's always in a rush, so it's always like really quick and doesn't say alot, but that's not her fault, she's a busy girl between work and school and what not. I've atleast got to talk to her quiet a bit today I guess, putting aside the fact she fell asleep for a while haha, and that my phone was being a complete retard and wouldnt recieve texts, I was REALLLLLY pissed off then haha, but its working now, and I'm glad, Cause I love her, and I miss her far to much when we aren't talking.


Ahh, I didn't have class today at least, well I never have classes on Tues. anyways, but I have a test tomorrow, and I haven't even started studying, it wont be hard though, they are short ones anyways. I have both classes tomorrow, so it's a full day which sucks, but I gotta stop complaining because I only have class 2 days a week, I'm pretty damn lucky. 

Anyways I don't know what else to write about, nothing else really happend today since I never went anywhere being stupid sick and what not haha. See ya guys tomorrow I guess!



-Eva[n]

ILYCRJD

 Ahh, so It's the middle of the day, whatevs, super bored so I'm going ot post anyways, I have a really bad cold even worse then yesterday and its killing me! I keep sneezing and uh its horrible! I layed in bed all day suckin on cough drops and what not, texting my bestie Carly haha!. I finially had some energy and got up, now I'm sitting out side on our balcony, under one of those rocking swing things, hiding under its canopy thing because its pouring out. I love it though, its so nice, and calm, its amazing, and I can spy on people running tying to get out of the rain haha. 


No class today, yayy, bunch of homework and what not for tomorrow though, and another test tomorrow in Med. Term. 

I've still been trying to figure out if I will be getting this place to myself or not when my roomate moves out, no one seems to know though, I really like this place though, its an old hotel, so each room has its own bathroom, unlike alot of the other dorms, so we were really lucky, plus we have this wondeful balcony of course, that is really cool.


But ugh! I HATE BEING SICK! If I sneeze one more time I think I'm gonna chuck my computer off the deck. hahaha, just kidding, but it sucks.

Anyways, I'm gonna enjoy the rain and maybe take a little nap out here on the swing :) See ya guys later! I'll probably post tonight, since I have no life :) Byebye!


-Evan

 Yeah, I already posted earlier, but I was bored, so I decided to come on here again. 


Hmm, since last post, I went to class and what not, it wasn't horrible, got our test's back, that WAS horrible however, I did very bad, definitally did not study enough for that test, but I knew i didn't haha. We started a new section today, which is alot easier than the last one since I already know some of it from my EMT class last year. And we got out of class like an hour early which made me very happy of course, I got some pizza came back to my dorm. Found out my roomate Ryan, who's name is actually spelled Rhyan, [who knew!] is transfering at mid-semister [didnt know that was possible?] to U of M [in the cities]. Sooo I don't know if that means I get the dorm to myself, or if I end up with some one else? Hopefully I get it to myself, That'd be so nice since its so small and its really awkward living with someone in a tiny place that you don't even know. I actually really like Rhyan as a roomate he's really cool about everything, and has supplied us with a flatscreen TV haha! And he's only here like 2 or 3 nights a week, if even, since his girlfriend lives near by, which is awesome, so I'm going to be really mad if when he leaves I get stuck with someone I cant stand! 

Well so anyways, he's not here again tonight, so I'm all alone! and the TV is broken, well the cable or whatever doesnt work at all, so theres nothing to do besides sit on the computer.


And what really sucks is I've gotten all of 2 text's from Carly today, so I don't even know how she's doing with everything that she had to go threw today. I didn't hardly get to hear from her yesterday at all either, so I watched "The Notebook" by myself online, [thank god rhyan wasn't here haha]. That was the second time I'd seen it, the first time I watched it with her too, so thats why I watched it and snuggled with a pillow so it was like we were watching it together, I'm pathetic, yes I'm well aware of it, what can I say, I love her and I miss her far too much.

Well I think I'm going to go watch another movie online [illegally of course] then head off to bed or something, and in the mean time hopefully I'll here from Car cause I hate it when she dosen't text me, it kills me! Well I'm sure I'll post again tomorrow because I don't have class. So see ya then!

Later Gater's

-Eva[n]



ILYCD.

            So I woke up this morning, from a text from my bestfriend saying she was getting ready for her grandpas funeral. Today is going to suck, no matter what happens, I don't like today. I have class at 5 and I don't want to go at all. Not only because we get our tests scores back and I know I did horrible, and not only because I have a sore throat and my head feels like its gonna explode, but I know if I go to class, thats 3 hours where I can't talk to her at all, and I want.. no change that to NEED to, talk to her, I have to be there for her today, and I'm not saying that in a way that I feel obligated to, I want to, and I love too.  I wish I could be there with her today, to hold her hand so she doesn't have to be alone, and to tell her I love her, so that she knows I'll never leave her. I cant be there with her today, but I'd give anything to be able to. Not only does the thought of her having to be alone threw it all kill me, but I can even just tell in her txt's to me that she is not okay.


I have no clue what the point of this post was at all! I was just sitting around thinking and decided to type it. I love her, and I miss her, and I hope she's doing okay there right now, hopefully I'll here from her soon, when she doesn't reply to me, I like die waiting for it, some times its really quick and then some times its like an hour, but I think that kinda helps get me threw the day because I'm always waiting to her from her and not paying attention to anyone else!


Well I should go now, I'll post later tonight, though I'm aware no one reads this. 
Take care everyone.


-Evan


ilcrjd. 

 So it's been a few days since I posted, I was really busy this weekend, lots of friends came up here from the cities area and what not for a skate comp and stuff, so i was out and about all weekend! It was a lot of fun, there was soo many funny things that happend, I couldn't even name them all, my friends recoreded some stuff with a video camera, so maybe that will come out and I'll give you guys a peek, at how dumb and immature we are! 

We went just about everywhere in Duluth, downtown, canal park [ north shorh/ lift bridge area] and all about. I stayed at my friends house, that she rents with 2 other people, who are pretty cool I must say. I stayed there with 2 of my other friends that came up from the cities, instead of staying at my dorm, which would have been nooo fun! One of their other roomates, the 3rd person who lives there, actually just got put in jail [DUI, so he deserves it definitally] and so he's moved his stuff out, we were discussing me moving in there with Jess and Ryan [ diff. Ryan than my Dorm roomate] and it'd be so sweet, its like really close to downtown, and is a sweet place, I'd kill to live there, but I'm doubting that I could afford the 260$ rent a month, but it'd be so much nicer, so I'm definitally going to have to keep trying at that!

It's so nice up here, because you can pretty much walk to anyones house, and there are parties like everywhere, definitally a big 'College' town around this area anyways, and subway just down the street is open till 2 am, so we ended up eating there 3 days in a row, which was kinda horrible after a while.. haha. 

Then we woke up this morning to find out that my friend morgan that was staying at the same house as me that came up from the cities, her ride left her in Duluth , so I had to drive her all the way home, that was really fun... but not really, way to much driving for my likings. 

There was ALOT more things that happend this weekend than I even began to talk about haha, far too lazy right now, maybe I'll update this later with some of the funny stories haha, we'll see!

See Ya Later Aligator!

Evan

 Alright, so heres the real post for the night!

That last one was just one out of boredness at my friends house haha.


Today was a good day, Mostly because I don't have class on Thursdays so it's always a good day!

Started out bad, because I was waiting for a package to come, and thats always the worst! No matter what it is, the anticipation KILLS!

It was my new MacBook laptop, and free Ipod Touch I got with it, best 1200$ i've ever spent, I'm on it right now and LOVE IT!
The Ipod touch is super cool, spent like an hour just trying to get music to play with all the fun features I kept getting distracted haha.

Macbook is working great, kinda confusing because I've never had one of these before, only PC's with regular window's programs on it, so
I'm still kinda getting used to it.

I just got home from my friends house, it was fun and what not , just pretty much sat around and what not.. it was a good night, but tonight I found out that one best friends grandpa passed away tonight, that just makes my heart sink, I'm talking to her right now, and it just kills me because of the things she says [not intentionally of course] about what happened and stuff. She just says it in such a way that absoulutly kills me so much. I wish there was something, Anything i could do to make things better for her! This is definitally not something she deserves to have to deal with now, or ever, the worst things always happen to the best people, and that makes me so mad! Ugh, I don't even want to talk about it because it makes me so sad about something like this, that she is hurt so much, no matter what I say or do couldn't cheer her up one bit! And I'd give anything for her to be happy! I hate it that this happens :( it makes me so sad, Gah! I think I should probably stop talking about it because it makes me want to cry, and I will if I don't stop!


I'm gonna move onto happier things, so I can hopefully take my mind off that for a little bit. Tomorrow I'm going to Grand Maraies [Definitally didn't spell that right] .. Its up the north shore about 2 hours? maybe not quiet that far, not really sure! It's just a trip with 2 of my friends to visit some other friends, and theres a skate comp up there too, so that will be fun! Heading up tomorrow [Friday] and staying until sunday morning. Then its back to Duluth, and Monday is REALLY going to suck, because we get our grades back on our 2-Part  Anatomy and Phisiology test's and I KNOW I did not do good, even with the studying I did!


Anyways, It's late so I should go! Plus I have some pictures from someone to look at  :)

See you creepers soon.. not like anyones reading this.. and if you are, you're a creeper!

Later Gators!

-Evan

 Sitting at my friends house right now!


Posting for absoultly no reason, we went job hunting today but that did not go too great...


ate at taco bell and now we are all sick


sitting here got my new ipod touch today, fun fun fun , everyone is jeaaaalous haha. 



i'll post more later when i get home!?


byebye!